All the sea in the fish

10 years ago today.   Time passes so quickly.  10 years ago today,  I was laying on a dark green couch, the Spanish sun beating in through the balcony window.   The street below was teaming with life, school children heading home for comida and siesta,  glasses clinking in the bar downstairs.  I was oblivious to it all.  The life inside of me was going to die.  It had to happen.  It was………inevitable, so they said.  We had been to visit so many specialists and it was always the same reply,  the most important thing is the safety of the mother.  There is no amniotic fluid and there is the risk of infection.   My son was 24 weeks old and the decision had been made.  The pregnancy would have to end.

Well, anyone who has ever met me knows, I don’t go down without a fight.   I was certain if I drank enough water, I, single handed, could fill up that amniotic sac with enough fluid to last a lifetime.   I drank, and I drank, and I drank.   I really believed it could happen.  With every glass of water, I willed the outcome we wanted.  Oh, yes, that is the worst part, there is of course, a “we”.   While I was busy willing the water, my husband had to watch.  I didn’t think he was paying any attention to my consumption, but alas, he was, and being a man grounded in both math and manhood, he just couldn’t understand.   It tore him apart – though he would never show it until much, much later.

So, 10 years ago today,  I lay on a green couch and drank a tub full of water in an attempt to save my baby’s life.

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